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Adult HUmor
- Thread starter Cody
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<font color=e87400><b>Bigboy Special</b>
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked
Cali
New Member
> This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley
> Davidson. One day he has
> finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the
> dealer. After he picks
> out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an
> old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new
> bike free from rust.
>
> The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to
> keep a jar of Vaseline handy
> and put it on the chrome before it rains, and
> everything will be fine.
> A few months later, the young man meets a woman
> and falls in love.
>
> She asks him to come home and meet her parents over
> dinner. He readily accepts and the
> date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her
> up on his Harley and they ride to her parent's
> house.
> Before they go in, she tells him that they have a
> family tradition that whoever speaks first after
> dinner does the dishes.
>
> After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence
> waiting for the first person to break the silence
> and get stuck doing the
> dishes.
> After a long fifteen minutes, the young man
> decides to speed things up, so he
> reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her
> family. No one says a word.
>
> Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse
> and fondles her breasts.
> Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on
> the
> table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No
> one says a word. Now he
> is getting desperate, so he
> grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
>
> They have even wilder sex.
> Still no one speaks.
>
> By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears
> thunder in the distance.
>
> His first thought is to protect the chrome on his
> Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket
> and pulls out his jar of
> Vaseline.
>
> The father says, "Okay da**it, I'll do the dishes!
>
> Davidson. One day he has
> finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the
> dealer. After he picks
> out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an
> old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new
> bike free from rust.
>
> The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to
> keep a jar of Vaseline handy
> and put it on the chrome before it rains, and
> everything will be fine.
> A few months later, the young man meets a woman
> and falls in love.
>
> She asks him to come home and meet her parents over
> dinner. He readily accepts and the
> date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her
> up on his Harley and they ride to her parent's
> house.
> Before they go in, she tells him that they have a
> family tradition that whoever speaks first after
> dinner does the dishes.
>
> After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence
> waiting for the first person to break the silence
> and get stuck doing the
> dishes.
> After a long fifteen minutes, the young man
> decides to speed things up, so he
> reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her
> family. No one says a word.
>
> Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse
> and fondles her breasts.
> Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on
> the
> table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No
> one says a word. Now he
> is getting desperate, so he
> grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
>
> They have even wilder sex.
> Still no one speaks.
>
> By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears
> thunder in the distance.
>
> His first thought is to protect the chrome on his
> Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket
> and pulls out his jar of
> Vaseline.
>
> The father says, "Okay da**it, I'll do the dishes!
>
Cali
New Member
The high school English teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack
or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in
your immediate family - but that's about it!"
Sammy, in the back of the room, raises his hand
and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their
laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand."
Just had to share these....
Kendra
tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack
or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in
your immediate family - but that's about it!"
Sammy, in the back of the room, raises his hand
and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their
laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand."
Just had to share these....
Kendra
Cali
New Member
Now hold on Jon, who says I m not?!?@?!:# Ok, I did find two more....
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in
front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor
finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their
good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart
closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
****************************************************
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to
an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It
identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish
men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Kendra Tillery
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in
front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor
finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their
good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart
closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
****************************************************
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to
an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It
identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish
men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Kendra Tillery
<font color=e87400><b>Joke</b>
Carlos calls his boss in the morning: "Ey, boss I can't come to work today. I got a headache, a stomachache, and my legs hurt, too. I'm a friggin' mess!"
The boss says: "You know Carlos, I really need you here today. When I feel like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a real nice house!"
Carlos calls his boss in the morning: "Ey, boss I can't come to work today. I got a headache, a stomachache, and my legs hurt, too. I'm a friggin' mess!"
The boss says: "You know Carlos, I really need you here today. When I feel like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a real nice house!"
<font color=e87400>
<b>Joke</b>
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, “Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.†A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
“What’s wrong?†the father asked. “I told you to be quiet.â€
The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ I guess I just panicked....â€
<font size=+10></font>
<b>Joke</b>
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, “Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.†A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
“What’s wrong?†the father asked. “I told you to be quiet.â€
The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ I guess I just panicked....â€
<font size=+10>
</font><font color=e87400><b>Great Joke</b>
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing†and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing†and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Henry Bockman
Member
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (who was about 20-yrs-old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming," and I grinned. Then, she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (who was about 20-yrs-old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming," and I grinned. Then, she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"