Dearest Redneck son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not real sure about it, though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.
About the coat you wanted me to send. your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut 'em off and put 'em in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried for a while, because it took three hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had the baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the ordinary has happened.
Your favorite Aunt,
Mom
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not real sure about it, though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.
About the coat you wanted me to send. your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut 'em off and put 'em in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried for a while, because it took three hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had the baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the ordinary has happened.
Your favorite Aunt,
Mom